Family
Ethel Writers 80+ Share Secrets to Long Life
Learn from the super agers who never stop growing.
Monica Garwood
As the Senior Editor of The Ethel, I have the privilege of assigning stories that empower older women to make the best choices about their health, lifestyles and relationships.
Along the way, The Ethel has amassed a stable of big talent, big-hearted writers, sharing wisdom and experiences that inspire all of us. As a 71-year-old journalist, wife, mother and grandmother, I, too, count on The Ethel to propel me forward with courage, hope and resilience. I am especially moved by our oldest stars, who have been there, done that and are still growing at every age.
Here is advice from five of those 80-something women on how they navigate successful aging:
Bea Lewis, 87
I have lived long enough to have recently embraced my beautiful great-granddaughter. I’m grateful to know that life goes on after I am gone.
However, this is not an easy journey. A simple move, like getting in and out of a car, takes effort. Accepting the losses of loved ones is painful. Getting through a day free of arthritic pain warrants medication.
To make these years as pleasurable as possible, I abide by the three A’s — Aware, Adapt and Accept.
Aware: My fear of falling is paramount.
Adapt: I now use a cane, even a walker when needed.
Accept: I’ve put my ego on the back burner, no longer concerned that others will see me as an old lady.
Aware: I forget simple things like the names of people I have met, even the dear friends I have known for ages.
Adapt: I give myself permission to ask. “I’m sorry, but my mind went blank. Please remind me of your name.”
Accept: Experts remind us that even bright, healthy older adults sometimes forget names, especially when they are tired or under pressure.
Aware: I’m sad to be alienated from a close friend.
Adapt: While there is still time, I plan to apologize, regardless of her response.
Accept: A written note will come from me, even if my friend doesn’t answer.
Aware: The lovely man I was dating who lived a few miles away could no longer drive at night.
Adapt: With plenty of planning, we moved in together.
Accept: Even if the years are brief, we are grateful for this bonus chapter.
Kathryn Leigh Scott, 83
Entering my eighth decade feels like an achievement, something earned. Along the way, I’ve learned not to get mired in missteps and wrong turns, but to find a way to get myself back on track. Staying positive and engaged has probably kept me going, through loss (the death of my husband), career meltdowns (I’m an actress and writer, after all!), health setbacks (including hip replacements) and the everyday nuisances that come with aging.
To me, growing old has a positive ring to it: flourishing, rather than dying on the vine. My hair is white, my gait a little creaky and I cherish a good night’s sleep far more than a late night out. But I haven’t stopped pursuing a spirited, adventurous life. I got married again at 82 — and it’s the best relationship of my life! We each sold our homes and bought a dream house together, combining our households and upsizing when most people our ages are downsizing. Why not?
There’s much I still want to do and experience. Though I’m nearly deaf without hearing aids and I have a horror of falling — just like my mother at this stage of life. But like my mother, I won’t let those things I have no control over inhibit me from fully enjoying my life — and savoring a good glass of wine at the end of the day.
Get the Must-Read Newsletter for Older Women
Sign up for the free, weekly newsletter with the latest stories, expert advice, community updates, and more.
Carmelene Siani, 84
When I entered my 80s, I got sick. First, I had shingles, then sciatica. Pain, and anxiety about pain, became my constant companions. My aging-related illness and immobility were redefining everything. I needed to do something.
Practical things first: I hired a housekeeper. It turns out to be the best thing I ever spent my retirement money on, and I’m never letting her go.
Second, I now see a therapist. I’ve been in therapy before but this time therapy isn’t for the purpose of changing or “fixing” my marriage, or even to “get your anger out.”
This time, my therapist is my healer. I’ve told him every secret, every story about every skeleton in every closet of my life. I’ve shared my confusions, doubts, regrets, even my fear of death.
Along the way, I changed. I now accept people with greater empathy. I became a calmer, happier person. In the mornings, I look in the mirror and accept the changing face I see there, with understanding and respect.
Living this long gives you the impetus, time and, in some cases, money, to unburden yourself, give voice to your life story, and accept all of who you are. When you’re in your 80s, you know that if you have inner peace, everything else will take care of itself.
Judy Mandell, 86
Yes, I’m 86. I joke that I act like an 80-year-old. In addition to laughing a lot and making others laugh, I believe exercise is key to healthy aging. I started running in my early 30s and continued until I had back surgery at age 75. The surgeon suggested that I no longer run, so I started walking at a moderate pace and also attending yoga classes.
I have aches and pains, of course, though I never talk about them. If someone asks how I am, I say, “I’m great!” No one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.
After my husband of 62 years died nearly three years ago, I was in a terrible state of grief. But I had two choices: stay home, cry and feel sorry for myself, or get out, be with people and start something new. I continued writing and started teaching classes to older adults. I invited people to my home every Friday for evening cocktail parties. And, I travel as much as I can.
All of these things can give us a full and happy life in our 80s and beyond. So do everything you can for your body. Walk, run, swim, play tennis, golf, anything that keeps you moving.
Be curious about the world. Read newspapers, magazines, books, listen to podcasts, maybe even create one yourself.
Try something new. If you took Spanish in school, try French or even Mandarin. Become a volunteer in a charity or cause you believe in.
Most importantly, live fully in the present moment rather than worry about the past or future.
Bette Ann Moskowitz, 85
Contradictions abound. Solitude butts up against loneliness and isolation. Freedom and aimlessness take turns ruling my life. Fear of dying battles with my natural-born sense of daring.
I remind myself that I am lucky to be alive, to have a working brain, to have a secure home, to have children and grandchildren who want to be with me and who live close enough for driving visits.
I still live on my own, but the trade-off is a sense of risk. Being alone — getting sick alone, having something major go wrong with the house alone — is a worry that never leaves, since my husband died five years ago.
Ironically, all the contradictions are lifted by one thing: I love life and want to live it for as long as I can. That is what keeps me alive.
Yesterday morning, bundled up in seven-degree weather to walk the dog, I felt pride that I got the two of us out despite the snow and cold.
Advice? Be strong. Push yourself, even just a little.
My granddaughter called the other day and we ended up talking for an hour.
Advice? Foster a healthy interest in the lives of others, even if sometimes you have to fake it.
I am glad that my husband died quickly and did not suffer and I don’t suffer the worry and pain of having an ailing spouse. I am at peace.
Advice? Practice gratitude, even for things you didn’t necessarily ask for or need.
Since entering my 80s, I have published two books and more than ten essays in respected venues. I still bake and cook, even though I have lost my sense of taste.
Advice? Do what you want. Don’t try to be anyone else’s old lady — be your own. Give yourself grace. Say “I love you” often. And more than anything – if you are lucky enough to have a sense of humor, use it!
Iris Krasnow is the Senior Editor of The Ethel and the author of seven books on relationships, found on iriskrasnow.com. A journalism professor emerita at American University, her work has been featured in many national magazines, including The New Yorker, Time, O The Magazine and AARP The Magazine. Iris has appeared on Oprah, The Today Show, Good Morning America and All Things Considered. She lives in Maryland with her architect husband and they are parents to four grown sons and grandparents to one baby girl.
More from The Ethel
Relationships
Relationships
Relationships
More for you, from AARP
We are a community from AARP. Discover more ways AARP can help you live well, navigate life, save money — and protect older Americans on issues that matter.