The 5 Truths About Finding Love Later in Life

Self-aware people have stronger relationships, are more confident and communicate more clearly and from a position of loving intent.

People who are not self-aware react impulsively, often repeat mistakes and are defensive and blame others. They take offense quickly, often feel slighted by others, are petty and often unhappy — and they have never examined why their own behaviors have limited their friendships.

After my divorce in 2007, I went to therapy and devoted myself to working on myself. I had to address my fear of abandonment, which stemmed from the death of my father when I was 9.

Therapy made me a healthier, more self-aware person. When I found myself single at 63, I sought a partner who had done some work on himself — or was willing to do so.

My Danny had done no work on himself. Like many partners in long marriages, he and his late wife never examined their feelings in depth or even spoke much about them. After Sue died, Dan’s grief was compounded by the realization that he really did not know Sue well.

He wrote an essay about this for HuffPost, “My Wife of 45 Years Died. I Thought I Truly Knew Her — Until I Discovered Her Journals.” His piece was read by millions of people. He touched a nerve: so many of us don’t know how to share deep or difficult feelings.

If you’re over 60, you simply have less time to mess around with small or petty people, and you certainly do not want to be one.

First step: get The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a short book that “reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering.”

Second step: get a therapist. Dan did. His therapist challenged his assumptions. (That is Agreement No. 3: Don’t Make Assumptions.) She also diagnosed him with ADHD, a revelation he wished he had discovered decades ago.

The kids matter

Dan has three grown daughters. They were wary of me when I showed up a year after their mother’s death, and that makes sense.

I have long blonde hair, a boho style and a quippy mouth — and their mother was quiet and reserved.

I didn’t take this personally. (That’s Agreement No. 2 of the Four Agreements: Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing anybody does is because of you. It’s because of them.)

And I understand the fear of abandonment. So, I made it clear that I was not after Dan’s money or his house or even any time he would otherwise spend with them.

Also, I spend time with my own grown children and my own friends without Dan. We both had full lives before we met, and…

Memories matter

If you haven’t heard Taylor Swift’s song for the movie Toy Story 5, “I Knew It, I Knew You,” give it a listen. It’s essentially about honoring past relationships and the good memories that never fade, even when relationships change.

Healthy people honor the memories of their partners. If you’re dating a widower, ask him directly: “Do you feel emotionally ready for a new relationship?”

If you demand he take down the photos of his late wife because those photos make you feel insecure, consult a therapist — and don’t take it personally.

I will never be “the love of Dan’s life.” That position was taken when I showed up, and that has nothing to do with me, nor does it lessen our love for each other.

Warm touch beats wham-bam sex

We’re still in good shape and operational in the sex department. That being said, warm hugs or a hand to hold in the middle of the night are more important to me now than “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” sex. You can wham and bam as much as you want, and we still do…but I value cuddling more than ever.

The secret to a good relationship is to be with a good person

Let’s wake up and smell the calendar here. We do not have time or energy to waste with people who add no value to our lives.

The late author and psychiatrist Dr. Gordon Livingston said the secret to lasting love is simple: choose a good person.

“Traits exist in constellations,” Livingston explains in his book, How to Love. “Kindness, loyalty and dependability are traits that co-exist and are usually stable over time. Impulsivity, dishonesty and self-absorption co-exist as well.”

So, if that new partner seems exciting but also impulsive — check out the quality of his other relationships. If he talks about himself constantly, perhaps his self-absorption leaves no room for you.

Ultimately, a good match is only as good as we are — separately and together.

Dan and I are as imperfect as a Love Bug and a Princess can be…but now that we’re too old and too wise to expect a fairy-tale ending, we can relax with each other and just have fun.

Have any of YOU found love later in life? Let us know in the comments below.