Family
How I Stepped Out of the Stepparenting Trap
My daughter has one mom!
I was working from home one afternoon last summer when I received a text from my daughter. It had been a year since she had moved out of state. I was still mourning the distance, so any effort on her part to connect was a thrill. Excitedly, I clicked on the message to find a screenshot of a text she had received.
My heart sank slightly as I digested the words and plummeted completely upon realizing the identity of the sender. Someone disapproved of my daughter’s lifestyle. Someone was asking my daughter to change. Someone was begging her to reconsider.
That someone was my daughter’s stepmother.
After 15 years of a pleasant, if not close, relationship, her stepmom’s religious convictions led her to send what she was convinced was a loving and heartfelt plea for change. To my daughter, the message was a shocking dismissal of her identity as a gay woman.
It was a misstep of phenomenal proportions on her stepmom’s part and an extreme example of what I call “The Stepparent Trap.” Depending on her intention, this was either an accidental fail or a deliberate leap into a trap from which it is difficult, if not impossible, to escape.
The “trap” is triggered when a stepparent offers unsolicited advice, overt criticism, tries to manipulate or control or goads the adult stepchild into an argument to prove a point. In the few moments it took her to compose a text, her stepmom momentarily or deliberately forgot to remove the “step” from her title and lost her footing. She did something I as her mother would never think of doing — asking my daughter to change who she is.
You can imagine my daughter’s shocked reaction. She decided that the condemnation levied toward her “lifestyle” was unforgivable and blocked all communication between herself and her stepmom. The consequence of her stepmom’s action was complete estrangement from a stepdaughter she professed to love.
My daughter’s relationship with her father became severely strained after he defended his wife’s views and her right to express them. Stepmom had not just breached a boundary — she deliberately ignored it.
I have intimate knowledge of this trap, as it has snagged me more than once during my own 22 years as a stepparent. After I married a second time, we became a blended family of five.
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My husband and I made a rule that we would only discipline our own children. It wasn’t that difficult, as only my daughter lived with us. My husband’s kids were three hours away and my son decided to live with his dad while attending a local college.
I was a strict mom who tolerated no disrespect. I allowed myself to be lured into the Stepparent Trap when my youngest stepdaughter reached her teens and our disagreements evolved into verbal clashes. It was difficult and frustrating as a stepparent, mainly because I tried to “parent” her. Often, I did not keep the very rule I’d made with my husband.
As a mother of grown adults, I no longer have the right to control my kids in any area. As a stepmom, I never had the right to control my stepchildren in the first place. One of the secrets to being a successful stepparent is to avoid control while respecting limits. Boundaries, a bestselling book published in 1992, speaks to the freedom that can be created by establishing boundaries. As authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote: “When we accept others’ freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom, we feel better about our own.”
As a stepparent, it has never been my job to fix my stepchildren. I am a bonus contributor in their orbits, an extra pair of arms to provide a hug and an advisor only when invited. It’s a unique and special relationship when it functions within set parameters and mutual respect for those boundaries.
We have different opinions on everything from religion, diet, politics and healthcare to financial planning and child-rearing. I have had to walk back comments, ask forgiveness and pull both feet out of my mouth out of fear that I might deliberately cause pain or worsen a volatile situation.
I decided to ask my youngest stepdaughter, now 34, what advice I could offer other women who parent adult stepchildren. Her instantaneous response was incredibly perceptive, words of wisdom she’d heard on one of her favorite television shows, Ted Lasso: “Be curious, not judgmental.” I laughed right through the tears.
When contemplating the risky choice of taking a “You Should Do This” position with any adult stepchild, whether it’s through our words, actions or reactions — STOP. Weigh the likely consequences and probable pain caused by deliberately planting your feet in the jaws of that trap.
Ask yourself: “Do I want to be right or do I want a relationship?”
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