How to Keep Your In-Laws From Becoming Out-Laws

I sit at home today, preparing to spend a holiday meal with my boyfriend’s family. I am a widow, he is divorced, we are both in our 70s and have been together for six years.

His ex-wife is hosting in the home where they raised their children. Everyone will be there: his daughter, her husband, their three-year-old and her in-laws, along with his son, his wife and their infant.

Meanwhile my daughter, her husband and four children will be a plane ride away, celebrating with her husband’s youngest sister, her husband and their new baby. My in-laws traveled with them.

We were invited, wholeheartedly. Why didn’t we go? I could blame the projected chaos of the airport, the likely delays, crowded seats and frequent complaints from the young ones. Not the truth.

I’ve come to learn that dividing attention between all those relatives will be difficult enough for my daughter without having to attend to me. I’m lucky to have a close, warm relationship with my in-laws and want to keep it that way.

Since before their marriage, certain traditions were set. My daughter’s mother-in-law is a world-class cook; I’ve given up trying to compete. Particular holidays are hers. I gladly bring my standard colorful fruit salad and revel in her spicy side dishes and perfectly seasoned entrees.

My first foray into bringing gourmet side dishes was my ginger-lemon berry salad. It was uniquely tart and sweet, making the mouth pucker with delight. After the first compliment from my son-in-law and the oohs and aahs from assorted guests, his mother declared it too acidic and subtly suggested I leave out anything but the fruit. Message delivered and accepted.

Other holidays were mine. When my husband was alive, we had a house that easily held as many as necessary and then some. Now, things have changed. As a widow, I’ve downsized. A dinner party of six is doable, but more than that is impossible. And as my son-in-law’s sisters got married and had babies, they were excused from traveling back to our hometown.

I do hear horror stories about fractious in-laws, badly behaved siblings and holidays grimly endured through gritted teeth. I’m grateful my daughter and grandchildren enjoy the ease and love they receive from her in-laws and her husband’s siblings. But sometimes I am envious of what they can provide.

If our nuclear family were reconstituted to its original state, my daughter would have her father and her brother in her orbit. We were a close-knit crew who enjoyed spending time with her in-laws. Holiday dinners, vacations at our beach house and joint hikes were ritual outings. The kids immediately clicked and were developing family jokes and games. The grandchildren, my daughter’s three kids, were cherished by both families.