The Best Question You Can Ask a Mother

The three Hs immediately became part of my tool kit. The hugging part is easy, and actually good for our health. I’m a hugger by nature and fully embrace their value. Being there only to listen and hear someone out? Well, that was more of a challenge.

Over time, I came to realize it requires more than the occasional nod or uh-huh of agreement while my mind wandered off to multitask on another issue actually under my control. Truly listening, mentally working out the Rubik’s Cube of the problem at hand and not saying anything? That’s asking a lot.

But I worked at it, scribbling notes as I listened. Those helped me frame the questions I was eager to hear the answers to — but didn’t ask. I got better at listening and keeping my hard-earned opinions to myself.

And then, one day, it happened. During a twisting, turning account of events that rivaled a roller coaster, I heard the question from one of my fiercely independent daughters, “What do you think, Mom?”

I tried not to sound too surprised, too eager, but truth be told, it had been a long time coming. I had finally been invited to give my opinion. To me, that seemingly simple question was a validation that my experiences mattered, and my perspective was deemed worthy.

That those five words were spontaneous and the moment so authentic only made them more powerful. I tamped down my initial response that was akin to, “Wow, I can’t believe you actually want to hear what I have to say.” Such an honest outburst would have made sure that question was never repeated. Instead, I said, “You are a smart woman and probably know the answer already. I can tell you how I’ve handled situations like that, but only you know what’s right for you.”

Then it was her turn to listen as I told my story.

I’m not sure how often I will get this gift of my children asking for my opinion, but it is certainly appreciated. With it comes the realization that I could pay this gift forward with my own mother.

It started with easy topics. Knowing her fondness for the fashionable, I asked for her thoughts on some outfits I was shopping for online. She smiled and jumped in with opinions.

From there we moved into trickier territory like discussing upgrades around her house. She suggested lever door handles that would be easier to open with her arthritic hands than the round knobs that had been there for decades. It was a great idea that we immediately implemented.

Now, I continue to remind myself how essential this question is as we navigate her recovery from a fall. I think I know the answers. But along the way I have to concentrate on that third H — letting her be heard. So, I am reminding myself to ask often, “What do you think, Mom?” It’s a gift free for the asking, but worth so much. And who knows how much longer I’ll be able to ask it.