Family
What My Granddaughter Taught Me About Motherhood
Things are way different than when I gave birth in 1964.
The conversation with my 33-year-old single granddaughter was pretty typical: How’s your job, what movies are you watching, until I asked what’s new in her life.
SHE: “I’m pregnant.”
ME: “But you’re not married.”
SHE: “Grandma, you don’t need a ring on your finger to have a baby these days. I’m healthy now. I’m ready to have a child.”
ME: “Who’s the father? Will he take care of you? Can he support you?” My nonstop queries reflected the concerns I had from generations ago.
SHE: “The baby daddy is a nice guy, but not marriage material for me right now. I have a good job, excellent health care and own my home.”
ME: “But... do you think you might get married someday?”
SHE: “Maybe yes; maybe no.”
ME: (gulp.) “I want to be excited for you, but….I need to process this news.”
When the phone conversation ended, I scrolled back to a time in the late 1950s. It was when my unmarried college roommate became pregnant and was sent to hide out with an aunt somewhere in Idaho. For years she wondered about the child she gave away.
True, those were the days before birth control pills. And for “good girls” like me, sex before marriage was shameful.
Decades have passed and now there is greater awareness — perhaps even acceptance — of single parenthood and of mothers without spouses.
Get the Must-Read Newsletter for Older Women
Sign up for the free, weekly newsletter with the latest stories, expert advice, community updates, and more.
In 1960, according to the Pew Research Center, only about 5 percent of all births in the United States were to unmarried women. According to a 2023 report by the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 40 percent of all births were to unmarried women.
Single mommies might be a growing trend, but for this 87-year-old gal, my granddaughter’s news was shocking. I felt better, however, when she assured me that having a baby was a choice, not a mistake. When she said, “Grandma, please be happy for me,” I realized she had many more positives than negatives in her decision-making column.
She further explained how the baby’s daddy was involved. “He attended my medical checkups and teared up when he saw a tiny baby girl on the sonogram.”
“Many of my friends have babies without husbands,” she continued. “One friend has a beautiful little girl she’s raising by herself. The father is a sperm donor with the same religion and education, the qualities she wanted for her child.”
I remembered hearing from a friend that her gay granddaughter also used a sperm donor to have a child. She is now the proud great-grandmother of a sixth-grade honor student!
“Grandma, marriage is not always the answer,” my granddaughter explained. “My neighbor has two little kids, but she’s in a miserable marriage and that’s worse than being a single mother.”
I understood what she was saying, but my aging brain struggled to agree with her.
Our conversation continued about the changes from my time to now. Years ago, we learned the sex of our babies at birth; today a sonogram reveals the gender at nine weeks. Then, there are “reveal” parties, where friends and family gather to learn the baby’s gender.
When I learned that my great-grandchild is a girl, I had time to knit her a pretty pink hat!
In my day, I told her, dads sat in the hospital waiting room until their babies were born. She laughed when I told her how her grandpa smoked almost a pack of cigarettes nervously waiting for my daughter, her mom, to be born! These days the partners help with the delivery.
“What about natural childbirth?” she asked. Not when I was having babies decades ago, I answered. Epidurals were all the rage to ease the pain during delivery. “I don’t remember much except the joy I felt when the doctor announced, ‘Mrs. Lewis, you have a beautiful eight-pound, five-ounce baby girl!’”
Then came this: “Grandma, how come you didn’t breastfeed my mom when she was an infant?”
“Breastfeeding was an uncool practice when your mom was born in 1964,” I told her. This was a period when babies were whisked away from birth moms as soon as they were born, and their first feeding was from formula, recommended by doctors and touted by aggressive marketing.
My obstetrician (in a prestigious Manhattan hospital) gave me a little red pill to dry up my breast milk. “My patients are not cows,” he said, a comment that still sticks in my mind like glue.
“That’s crazy,” my granddaughter said. “Breastfeeding has been around since the beginning of time. What changed?”
In the United States formula feeding peaked in the early 1960s, when fewer than 25 percent of mothers in the United States were breastfeeding at hospital discharge. Breastfeeding was often viewed as old-fashioned or even inadequate.
As the 1970s evolved with organic foods and a movement toward all things “natural,” medical research began to explore and tout the medical benefits of breastfeeding. And today, it is increasingly normal to see a woman breastfeeding in public places.
“Thankfully breastfeeding is back in vogue,” she said.
She was shocked when I told her I smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol during my pregnancy. During those months, I added, “I did a lot of sitting, knitting and indulging in daily naps.” And most women didn’t have to juggle a full-time job and childcare.
“It’s the opposite now,” my granddaughter said. “My doctor encourages me to eat well and keep up with my exercise regimen as long as I can. For example, she explained, “I went to my weekly spin class until my belly could no longer fit on the bike!”
So, here’s my takeaway: While times have dramatically changed from when I had my daughter in 1964, having a child is always a blessing and a gift!
More from The Ethel
Relationships
Relationships
Relationships
More for you, from AARP
We are a community from AARP. Discover more ways AARP can help you live well, navigate life, save money — and protect older Americans on issues that matter.