What it Takes to Make Friends Later in Life

Another option — though this might require some sweating — is a gym. After moving to California, my buddy Lynn swears she made most of her friends while waiting for a lane at her local pool or chatting in the locker room. And if you don’t meet anyone you like, at least you’ll build muscle. Lynn also joined a hiking club and hiked her way into new friendships.

One other great friend-meeting location — the park. Recruit a dog and head to a dog run. While all the pups are making friends by sniffing butts, you get to meet their humans. Just don’t sniff anyone’s butt.

Or — hey! — right here on this site, you can join one of The Ethel Circle’s Gathering Groups. You’ll become part of a local private Facebook group led by a volunteer organizer (or you can be the organizer) who arranges fun activities with other women in your area who want to make friends. More than 65,000 women throughout the country have already joined. That’s a lot of new friendships in the works. See, easy!

Step 2: Make Conversation

When I was in 7th grade, I learned that giving compliments was an easy way to get someone to talk to me. “Pretty blouse!” or “Groovy bracelet!” was a great entrée to someone saying, “Thanks! Want to sit together at lunch?”  

As an all-grown-up person, I now know there’s deeper value in making someone feel seen and appreciated. Everyone has at least one admirable something you can comment on — an engaging laugh or their elegant posture. The moment the other person responds, you’ve started a conversation. And that’s where friendships begin.

I met my friend Michelle when I stepped into a crowded elevator and noticed she was wearing the same Charles Jourdan heels as me. “Girlfriend shoes!” I announced. I met another friend at a professional luncheon when I approached her to note we had the same curls. That led to a shampoo discussion — and eventually, besties status.

Step 3: Be an Instigator

Of course, as one friend says, “You can’t microwave a friendship.” At first, you may need to be the one to suggest plans and set up outings. If it turns out that you and the women you met at the gym all love Bridgerton, organize a watch party for the season finale. Arrange a morning get-together at a farmer’s market or, if you’re in a city that offers them, go on a walking tour. My friend Liz and I met on a gelato tasting tour in New York.

It’s easy to fall into a mental trap of everyone’s busy with the friends they’ve got; they don’t need a new friend. Assume most people do want more friends. You’re not imposing if you suggest a coffee date. Impose away! They can always say, “I’m busy.” If they say it a couple times, you’ll know they aren’t interested and you’ll move on. Think of it like dating in high school, only this time you’re dating for friends. And like dating, it may not be a fit, but keep at it.

That’s it. Three snappy steps. Location. Conversation. Instigation.

Be open to friends of all ages. My friend Ruth is 104. She makes me feel like I still have a grandmother. I’m sure my 24-year-old friend Lucia thinks of me as a grandmother, but it all works and broadens my world.

So, how’s my sister Gina doing as the new girl in town? Just fine, thank you. She hosted a Super Bowl party and 28 neighbors showed up. She also organized a Gourmet Club, where neighbors take turns hosting rotating small dinner parties — 103 people signed up, many of whom are now her friends.