Family
I Married for the First Time at 53
Here's how you can do the same.
Serena Montenegro Jensen
As a first-time bride at 53, I waited a long time to say “I do” and to trust that I was finally ready to handle the compromises and unexpected joys that come with committing to someone for the rest of my already well-lived life. Tom is patient (a necessary balance to his impatient wife), creative (a musician/composer), a retired public servant and a loving dad — I got two adult stepdaughters and a new granddaughter out of the deal.
Of course, like me, he has his annoying traits. He’s a procrastinator and not as communicative as I’d prefer. And yet, we make it work and appreciate having found one another when I was 48 and he was 57. Tom knew immediately I was the one. It only took a few extra dates for me to realize he was right.
During my nearly 100 dates spanning five years, I compiled a set of lessons learned that I share with single girlfriends over 50. While being lonely is hard, so is dating, and having a toolkit can help.
Assess What’s Important to You in a Partner
Among the benefits of dating later in life was having a clear sense of who I am and what I sought in a partner. While it’s important to envision your ideal mate, it’s also essential to hold those specifications lightly. As someone who proudly held football-free parties on Super Bowl Sundays, I wouldn’t have chosen to date a sports fanatic. But guess what? I married one. At the same time, know your bottom-line non-negotiables. Mine were finding someone who could manage his anger, love animals and possess essential qualities like kindness and integrity.
Learn from Past Relationships
Although I had always wanted to marry, I was still single at 48, so I read self-help books and attended workshops that encouraged me to examine past relationships and core family ties to learn how to avoid repeating behaviors that hindered previous romances. The most common relationship pitfalls mentioned in advice columns include perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-absorption, anger and bossiness. Understanding oneself and managing any less-than-ideal traits will support a healthy future relationship. Therapy can help uncover any obstacles.
Gather a Dating Support Team
I consulted long-married friends in my age range and older to learn what held their partnerships together. They proved there was no such thing as a perfect marriage, that each partner repeatedly makes mistakes, but that marriage was still worth it. They let me debrief after dates and laugh over encounters like the one with the man who hadn’t mentioned he was moving across the country the next week. When I had multiple, consecutive disaster dates, they reminded me of my good qualities and encouraged me to keep at it.
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Create an Accurate Online Profile
One of my exes, who remained a friend, looked at my profile and told me to edit it. I’d inadvertently mentioned my athletic tendencies in a way that made it sound like I enjoyed attending sports events! Have your support team review your planned photos, catchy title and wording. Be honest, include recent photos and provide your accurate age to build trust with a potential future partner. Don’t spend too much time swapping messages before meeting. Get on a call, and if it’s going well, book a date. Online dating worked for me — it led to a boyfriend of two years and then my husband of 11 years.
First Date: Coffee
A two-hour meal can feel endless when you realize after five minutes it’s not going to work. A coffee date is low-stress and quicker. However, I didn’t follow this practice as a rule. When there’s a long commute involved, it makes more sense to include a meal, maybe lunch, which is lower stakes than dinner.
Dating Workshops
Dating can feel lonely: constantly preparing for and meeting strangers, trying to present our best selves and assessing the person we’re meeting. By attending workshops for people my age on topics like “finding true love,” I met other older, hopeful romantics and kept my spirits up. While I didn’t meet my spouse there, I learned dating strategies and made new friends. We cheered each other on.
Courtesy Laura Sturza
Do Things You Enjoy, or Something New
Sure, it’s a timeless suggestion, but it increases the chances of meeting that elusive partner. Do you love animals? Volunteer at a shelter. (One of my fellow 50-plus volunteers met her beau there.) Are you a hiker? Join singles hikes with people your age or go to the senior center and take classes. While I didn’t try speed dating, I’ve talked to several people who had success at speed-dating events for the over-50 set.
Try a Second Date
First dates can be nerve-wracking, with the pressure to make a good impression. Still, you might know on the first date that there’s no hope for a match. They could be allergic to cats, and you have two. Maybe they share everything that went wrong with their first and second spouses and how it damaged their relationships with the grandkids. But if none of those red flags are waving and you’ve met someone who seems sincere and reasonably interesting, go for it. While I wasn’t instantly, overwhelmingly smitten with either of the men I kept dating, if I hadn’t taken those chances, I wouldn’t have had that two-year relationship or the one with my husband.
Trust Your Instincts
Occasionally, you might get a feeling the person you’ve met is seriously off-kilter. I dated one man three times. We were getting along well. I saw small signs of his temper on the second date. On the third, he cursed at fellow drivers. I trusted my gut and ended that date quickly. Other times, I protected my safety by declining offers to pick me up for a first date. Finally, a Google search may reveal important information about a prospective partner. If you’re not good at online sleuthing, ask a member of your support team for help.
Take Breaks
Doggedness was the key to finally meeting my husband, but sometimes I had to stop dating and catch my breath. Self-care was essential. Whether it’s watching favorite TV shows and movies, taking yourself out on dates to the theater or getting a massage, tending to our own well-being is key.
Have Fun
Finally, I developed an unwavering commitment to enjoying dating and to finding the bright side even in disappointing dates. Each was a success, another time that I’d put myself out there. I was amazed by the variety of people on the same journey of seeking a partner later in life and taking the risks needed to welcome love.
Did any of you marry later in life? Let us know in the comments below.
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