Should You Cheat if Your Spouse Is in Decline?

Dan Gasby, a television executive based in Manhattan and East Hampton, New York, chose to be extraordinarily open about having a girlfriend while caring for an incapacitated spouse. For 28 years, he was married to model and lifestyle guru Barbara Elaine Smith, with whom he ran the eponymous B. Smith magazine, restaurants and lifestyle brand.

Smith was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2013. Soon after, they wrote Before I Forget about navigating Alzheimer’s as a married couple. B. was adamant that Dan, her primary caregiver, be open about the disease and caregiver stresses. He insists he honored his wedding vows, even after his girlfriend, Alex Lerner, came into his life.

Gasby told hosts on The View in 2019 that Smith is “in remarkably good shape from the eyebrows down, but mentally, she’s a toddler.” He went on to explain that “I’m keeping my vows. Vows are to protect, to care for her.” He was both criticized and celebrated following his candor. Barbara Elaine Smith died from Alzheimer’s in 2022.

How long could you care for an incapacitated spouse, without companionship, support and intimacy?

Rabbi Shmulik Friedman, who leads the SOMA Shul of the Chabad of San Francisco, says if you presented this dilemma to him, “I would hug you first.” He’s filled with compassion. However, his rabbinical teaching is clear. “Marriage is more than an emotional, cognitive, intimate connection. It’s a divine, soul-to-soul bond that cognitive decline does not dissolve. As long as your spouse is alive, they deserve exclusivity and dignity.” He adds, “At the same time, caregivers need deep friendships and support, intimacy with God, and affirmation that maintaining the marital commitment is a mitzvah, a selfless, loving act of goodwill.”

Another kind of expert, Dan Savage, the no-nonsense love and sex advisor for the Savage Love syndicated column and Lovecast podcast, offers a different view. Savage advocates that humans are entitled to a “zone of erotic autonomy.”  This means that only we can judge our sex life. Sometimes — perhaps more than we publicly admit — our longtime partners cannot or will not have an intimate relationship. In these cases, he insists, neither our partner, their health or cultural/religious mandates have the right to enforce lifelong celibacy on you.

At times, solo caregiving is the right path. Edie Kressy, a 90-year-old widow and designer from New Hampshire, was married for 57 years to a fellow artist she met at the Rhode Island School of Design in the 1950s. Her husband required full-time care after developing dementia. “Ours became a different kind of romance after Chris got sick,” she explains.

Despite his illness, Edie took him out to coffee every morning, to museums and to restaurants at night. “He was in his own world, but I could still feel him and his love for me, despite his confusion. I refused to spend a night apart. I was happy with him until the end.” 

Chris never became combative or hallucinatory, unlike many others in later stages of cognitive decline. However, he was unable to call her by name for years. At the end, under hospice care, one night Chris struggled to speak, finally managing to exclaim, “Edie, I love you.” Those were his last words. He died at 1 a.m.

The point here: a range of reactions to a sexless marriage and the sacrifices of spousal caregiving prevail. This is an intensely personal, private decision. No one can make it for you. No one should judge you for it.

Only you — not friends, your rabbi, your priest or your children — can decide whether you can live fully without companionship and intimacy for the rest of your life. You have the right to relish the years ahead. It’s up to you to choose how to do so, just as it’s up to you to live with that choice.

Sources for help:

Visit the AARP Caregiving website.

Caregiver Action Network can help you find a local support group. Call (855) 227-3640 or visit their website.

Call (866) 232-8484 or visit the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America.

Call (800) 272-3900 or visit the Alzheimer’s Association dementia caregiving page.

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of four books, including The Naked Truth, which explores femininity, aging and sexuality after 50, and the New York Times best-selling memoir, Crazy Love.  Visit her via her website, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.