Family
The Vacation That Sustains a Long Marriage
It's what every older woman needs.
What’s one secret to our happy later-in-life marriage? Separate vacations. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, Tom, and he loves me. But every few months, we each do a happy dance when heading off on a solo adventure where we don’t have to adapt to each other’s quirks. Rather than causing a rift in our partnership, we’ve found this practice strengthens it. Plus, we plan shared trips to enjoy one another’s company and round out our varied travel schedule.
If you’re married or in a committed relationship and interested in exploring how separate vacations could work for you and your partner, here’s what we’ve learned from our years of taking solo trips.
It’s a Way to Pursue Personal Passions
Let’s say you’re into a pastime that doesn’t interest your spouse. In my case, it’s yoga and meditation. While my husband is thrilled that yoga keeps me fit and meditation sometimes keeps me more even-keeled, he rolls his eyes at the mere mention of joining in. So I head off on solo retreats and practice downward-facing dog poses to my heart’s content. Luckily, he also enjoys taking some adventures independently. Tom flew to Oregon to cheer on his beloved Oregon Ducks and had the time of his life reconnecting with a former classmate he met 50 years earlier. I should mention that he once joined me for a hiking and meditation retreat, and I once joined him for a live Ducks game. Both were interesting anthropological studies with some enjoyable elements, but neither of us cares to take similar shared trips.
It’s Made Us Closer
Our separate vacations have strengthened our bond. When I was invited to participate in an artists’ residency at a glorious Georgia retreat center, my husband stepped up. He helped me prepare for the trip and took care of everything on the home front, including regular visits to my 100-year-old mom.
Similarly, when he wanted to visit one of his musician friends from high school to record music together, I made sure everything ran smoothly at home. Our solo travels aren’t only for pleasure, however. When one of my friends was undergoing painful health treatments, it made more sense for me to visit her on my own. When one of Tom’s dearest friends was in hospice, my husband was able to jump on a last-minute flight to see him. Among the ways we help each other is by driving one another to the airport and offering a sweet send-off.
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It Accommodates Our Different Travel Styles
Tom can’t handle the noise at hotels near busy streets, making it tough to book anything he finds comfortable in New York City. I tend to pack the schedule with activities, while he prefers to soak up a new place at a more leisurely pace. So he happily let me attend a college reunion in NYC on my own last year. He wouldn’t have enjoyed the ridiculous schedule I set for myself, including a Broadway show, two museums, dates with three friends and the reunion, all in a two-night trip.
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
While Tom wouldn’t have enjoyed the pace of my NYC trip, I wish he’d been there for some of it. There were times I missed his company. He would have loved the museum exhibits and meeting my friends. Of course, I came home and told him all about it, just as he does when he returns from his solo trips. We return from these adventures refreshed and excited to see one another.
It’s a Benefit for the One Who Stays Home
Our solo trips also give the one who stays home with the cats the sweet respite of time alone in the house. Since we married when I was 53 and he was 61, I find that having the house to myself can harken back to my single days, when there were no negotiations about the thermostat (I want it hotter; he prefers it cooler). When I’m away, he can crank up the volume on his favorite news shows and music without worrying he’ll disrupt any quiet time I’m enjoying.
Do Still Plan Trips Together
We don’t only travel separately; otherwise, we’d miss out on how traveling with someone who knows all your in-jokes can blend relaxation with adventure and reveal new sides of one another. On a recent long-planned trip to Portugal, we took a small-group tour for the first time. While there were highlights, we learned we are unequivocally not tour personalities, preferring to set our own schedules and choose our own activities. Luckily, we were on this trip together, so we could commiserate and even laugh about our European holiday not being everything we’d dreamed of.
Most of our trips together are winners, including many return trips from our current home in Maryland to our former hometown in Los Angeles. They’re filled with reunions with friends and family. On the most recent one, we met our first grandchild and shared the joy of how her birth has brought our family even closer.
As a bonus of the trips we take together, there is just something about a lush hotel room that inspires some very good out-of-town sex.
Since we’ve each enjoyed our solo travels, we appreciate our joint trips even more and navigate our different styles with ease and humor.
Interested in Testing It Out?
Talk it over with your partner. Discuss the upsides and potential downsides for your particular circumstances. For example, solo travel can be more expensive, with hotels charging the same for one person as for two. On the plus side for pet owners, having one person stay home can reduce pet-sitting costs. Together, you can explore whether taking some solo trips might expand your travel adventures, bring you closer and enhance the joys of your shared trips.
BIO: Laura Sturza is a writer and teacher living in Rockville, Maryland. Her work appears in publications including AARP’s The Girlfriend, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, The LA Times, The Washington Post, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Lunch Ticket, Oldster, The Mindfulness Bell, Washington Writers' Publishing House and three anthologies. Laura has completed the memoir Better Late: The Making of a Midlife First-Time Bride and is submitting it for publication. She served as a nonfiction editor for Transformation: A Women Who Submit Anthology. Laura wrote, produced and starred in the one-woman show Finding the Perfect Place to Live in 111 Gyrations. She teaches memoir writing, primarily to older adults, and is inspired by her students' bravery and talent. laurasturza.com.
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