Busted! The Biggest Myth About Sex as You Age

This is especially true for older women: our research has shown that women’s sexual satisfaction increases with age and in another study of nearly 25,000 adults we found that age alone did not especially impact rates of orgasm. In The Intimate Animal, I explore reasons for this, including that perhaps older women are more comfortable with their bodies, more assertive with sexual partners, and more likely to engage in behaviors better for female sexual satisfaction at any age, like slower sex, more foreplay, receiving oral sex, and use of lubricants and toys.

Of course, there’s an obvious question: what about our aging bodies? Many people believe older adults are erotically broken — due to problems with vaginal lubrication, erectile difficulties, or the inability to climax.

As women and men age, research shows that on average the frequency of actual and desired sexual activity decreases, while overall rates of sexual problems — including clinical sexual dysfunctions — increase. But in matters of sex, quality is often more valuable than quantity. In that light, an aging body need not become a barrier to a fulfilling intimate life.

People have found many ways to adapt. One woman, Martha, whose story is in my book, shared with me an unexpected sexual side effect of starting hormone replacement therapy while going through menopause: “I feel like I’m 18 again,” she told me, laughing. “Sometimes the wind blows and I get turned on.”

Older adults — both women and men — have advantages younger peers may not, including greater clarity, honed over years, about what they’ve learned from past relationships and what they want now.

In the Kinsey Institute and Match’s annual Singles in America survey, for example, we found that older adult singles were more restrictive than younger singles about who they would consider dating. They knew what they were looking for, and they weren’t going to settle, especially since they aren’t racing against a biological clock or other reproduction-related social pressures.

Older adults may also be better equipped to talk about their wants and desires — becoming more aware of their needs with age, and more comfortable voicing them. Communication, both in and outside the bedroom, is a strong predictor of both relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. The fact that older adults have developed better discernment and communication skills with age is good for their sex lives, and their emotional lives.

In some cases, reimagining what we expect our romantic and sexual lives to look and feel like can help. Consider new positions, tempos, and behaviors, and experiment with products and toys to find new opportunities for pleasure and connection. For example, my colleagues found only 5 percent of women aged 60+ used sex toys almost always or always during partnered sex, but those who did were significantly more likely to report always or almost always having an orgasm. Thanks in part to a growing understanding of hormone replacement therapies and sex-enhancing pharmaceuticals, as well as the rise of psychotherapy and sexual medicine specialties for professional healthcare support, we have more opportunities than ever to explore trusted solutions to any sexual concerns.

As we get older, we can also better appreciate aspects of love that aren’t explicitly passionate, but rather comfortable and companionate — like the neighbors of mine who, after sending their youngest off to college, have found new ways to reinforce their bond as empty nesters, taking a walk together with their new poodles every evening.

From sex at 20 to sex at 50 to sex at 90, our intimate lives are a marathon, not a sprint. As bodies age and needs change, we adapt. So too can our sexual and romantic lives. In my work at the Kinsey Institute and in writing The Intimate Animal, I’ve had the privilege of hearing from people across the lifespan about what intimacy really looks like in practice.

The throughline is clear: we are, at every stage of life, an intimate animal. And for many, our later chapters become some of the most meaningful in our lives.