What to Say — and Not Say — to a Grieving Friend

My husband died July 13, 2023 as the result of Lewy Body dementia. After 62 years of marriage, I experienced tremendous grief like nothing I had ever imagined. The things many people said — “God has his plan,” “time heals all wounds,” “at least he lived to 86,” I’ll pray for you,” — made me sadder than I was before they said anything. It was especially upsetting when people said they knew how I felt — because they didn’t. They couldn’t. When they asked if I was okay, I said yes. But I wasn’t okay. I’ll never be okay. I’ll just live on with a broken heart. I didn’t get angry because I knew they had good intentions. I wished they had all said nothing and just given me a big hug.

I’m not the only person who has experienced these thoughts and reactions.

Melanie Anderson’s husband was just 47 when he suddenly died three years ago of a heart attack. As a mental health therapist, Anderson had tools to maneuver through insensitive comments. But that did not help when her husband died. “I am still human,” she said. “It was infuriating at times. People saying ‘Be strong’ or ‘You can find another husband’ were two of the worst things they said. I didn’t want to be strong because that felt invalidating to all of the hurt that I was experiencing. Telling me I could find another husband isn’t helpful because I don’t want anyone else. I want the man I married.”

Diane Diamond’s husband died in July 2022 at the age of 77 from interstitial lung disease, a progressive, non-treatable condition. Prior to that, they had been living in a retirement “resort” community in Green Valley, Arizona (20 miles south of Tucson). “We were what my daughter pegged as ‘college kids with cash’,” she said. “But I lost that life when my husband died.” When people are at a loss for words, Diamond, 76, believes they fear the same thing can and will happen to them. Especially with her former friends who were also aging. “It is too difficult for them to think about or imagine,” she said. “That looming fear can prevent them from empathizing with the person who has suffered the loss. They do not want to hear about the reduction in my Social Security, how the credit card companies canceled every one of our joint accounts, or how vitally important it is to get all of your husband’s passwords before it is too late. It seemed to force them to think more of themselves than be empathic with me.”

Grief is a universal experience; everyone will grieve at some time, according to Dr. Micki Burns, Chief Clinical Officer of Judi’s House, a nonprofit childhood bereavement center in Aurora, Colorado. “Grief resulting from the death of someone significant has no timeline,” she said. “How each person responds to such a loss is unique. And while every grief journey is different, following general guidelines to compassionately speak to someone who is bereaved is an important step.”

Burns offered these guidelines — What Not to Say or Do:

Don’t avoid talking about the deceased, the death, and their absence.

Give individuals multiple opportunities to unburden or share. By just listening, you let your grieving friend or family member know that you can be with them in their sorrow.